It’s an inside job! Love yourself first!

It is an inside job – Love yourself first!

Learning to love yourself first, has to be number one priority, if you want to connect with others, love and be loved.

There is an old saying ” you can’t love someone else, until you love yourself” I think this is  very true,and for me, the older I get the more true this feels.

The question for me was, how can you love yourself, how do you accept yourself if your whole life you have felt like you are not enough?

That somehow you are flawed?

That you have always been afraid that someone will notice and call you out and someone will finally see the truth?

How do you deal with that one?

You hide who you really are, around family and friends,telling yourself you need to be a certain way to get their approval and never quite getting it what ever you do.

You feel like you are always trying to do the ‘right thing’ be the ‘nice girl’ in order to have people to like you but somehow, in the process you lose yourself more and more.

After a while it feels like you don’t know yourself anymore. You rely on others to tell you how you should feel, what to think and if that doesn’t happen then you endlessly try to get validation and approval from who ever will give it to you.

Sound familiar?

Sometimes, the universe tries to tell us things, and often we don’t hear or understand what it is trying to say. we continue on doing the same stuff the same way, until the messages get more insistent….

the message might be illness, or relationship breakup, or a loss of some kind.

For me the message was finally heard when I realised that I was so unhappy with my life that I knew I needed to change it or I would not be able to continue.

So finally I listened, and learned.

The lesson? The lesson for me was ‘ Put yourself first, LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.’

Learning ways to love yourself can be tricky at first, because you are not used to thinking that way, It is so unfamiliar.

I like to think of it as being your own best friend. Doing the things for yourself that you would do for your bestie.

This list is the abbreviated from the work of our beautiful Louise Hay, and is found in her best-selling book, “Heal your Life.”

I suggest you pick one and practice it until it is second nature, then onward till you have all of them as new habits

  • Stop all criticism
  • Forgive yourself.
  • Don’t scare yourself.
  • Be gentle and kind and patient.
  • Be kind to your mind
  • Praise yourself
  • Support yourself.
  • Be loving to your negatives.
  • Take care of your body.
  • Mirror work.
  • LOVE YOURSELF- DO IT NOW!
  • Have Fun!

No matter who you are, if you take these tips and work on them, your life will improve, as you learn new ways to live.

Till next time,

With love

Julie x

Top 2 lessons for InsideOut Loving

Lessons for InsideOut Loving

Regular readers of this blog will know that last year I completed my ‘Heal your life’ Workshop leader training in beautiful Port Macquarie Australia.

For me, this was a life changing week, filled with fun and laughter, and tons of ‘aha’ moments. It was a chance to learn more about the wonderful life-enhancing lessons of Louise Hay,as well as an amazing opportunity to meet with so many other women who are on the same journey as me.

I feel so privileged to be able to share some of these lessons with you.

Lesson No 1

That week taught me among other things, that I am absolutely ok exactly as I am, I do not need to change anything, I am lovable and worthy of love – full stop.

While this might sound a bit ‘woo woo’ to some people, I think this is a very important lesson for us all to learn.

Until we learn to love and accept ourselves, warts and all, we always feel like we are ‘lacking’ in some way. It can feel like we are always second guessing ourselves, always critical and judgemental of what we do and who we are.

It feels like we can never able to reach that pinnacle of ‘good enough’.

Good enough for what?

The latest fashion trends, the best income? the flashest car? nicest house?? the best behaved children?? These are all outside things which can be transient and ever changing depending on what society dictates.

I learned that it is ok to be me. Boy what a relief that is!

Lesson No 2

I learned that when you let go of negative beliefs about yourself,and the world around you, and let go of self-criticism, and judgement, you also let go of the gnawing ache of never feeling enough.

When you understand yourself, what you love, what brings you joy, what makes you happy, life becomes different in a whole new way.

You learn to draw a line around yourself to protect yourself from draining people and situations.

When you learn to access and trust your own intuition, and listen to your heart,simple joy becomes an integral part of your life every day.

In fact you learn to be your own best friend!

Coming up in August!

A very special event to help you to Be your own Best Friend

 

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InsideOut Loving – Be Your Own Best Friend

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6 Keys for Success in Asperger/Neurotypical Relationships.

Misunderstandings, Miscommunications and Assumptions

When you live with and love someone on the Autism Spectrum, life is often full of misunderstandings, miscommunications and assumptions. Resentment and frustration on both sides can build up over a long period of time and without help the inevitable relationship breakdown will occur.

The difficulty comes when the NT partner (neurotypical) ”assumes that what she says is understood, in the same way that the AS (Asperger) partner assumes that his communication is understood as well. Unfortunately this can often NOT be the case….

The issue was explained to me in this way.cricket player

Think of the game of cricket.

In that game, common English language words are used, words which can have completely different meaning in the world of cricket, rather than in the real world…

Words like maiden, century, over, duck, and many other more obscure ones. These words when used in the context of cricket, have a particular meaning and unless you have a knowledge of the game you might be forgiven for wondering what for example, ‘bowling a maiden over’ might mean! Sounds painful right?

The thing is, that anyone who knows the game, knows what the words mean and so there is no misunderstanding about them. The assumption is that you know what the words mean in that context, therefore you can make sense of the game.

Now, my point here is that in the communication between NT partner and AS partner, unless each partner clearly understands what the any given words or conversations mean in a given context, there is a huge potential for misunderstanding.

Beware of assumptions!

As NT partners, we assume the AS partner understands what is going on. What we do sometimes fail to realise, is that the AS partner has, for years possibly, managed to hide his difficulty behind his high IQ and has learned coping strategies to support him in his communication.

He may shut down, deflect, walk away, ignore or change the subject, in order to not have to admit that he really does not know what is being asked of him. (commonly called a defense mechanism)

It is only when specifically asked, he ‘may’ admit he does not really know what is being asked of him or what the conversation is actually about.

Add to this that when he is stressed and anxious ( which happens a lot of the time) it magnifies the difficulty.

It can be mind blowing for the NT partner to realise the depth of the challenges to communication that her partner faces.

Added to this is the defensive behaviour that the AS partner has learned over time, which effectively ends the conversation and allows the AS partner to get back to doing his own thing and so avoiding the interaction which is so difficult for him.

Interactions like this become a minefield, as issues are not get resolved and resentment, blame and anger become more and more prevalent along with the increasing the frustration and sense of invisibility the NT partner faces daily.

There are no easy answers.

There are no easy answers to improve the situation. In order to be successful, research has shown that several key things must be present.

  1. It is crucial that both partners agree and commit  to try and work together, to make things better between them. No easy ask when the Asperger partner often is unable to articulate what he is thinking or feeling and the effort required can just be too big to face.
  2. There must be support from a counsellor or therapist well versed in understanding the nuances of an AS/NT relationship, and ongoing effects this can have on both partners, though particularly on the emotional well being of the NT partner.Sometimes the sadness, frustration and inevitable loneliness can be too much to bear and the relationship ends.
  3. The NT partner must limit their expectations of the AS partner, which becomes mind – numbingly difficult as it means they ( the NT partner) carry more than their fair share of the work of the relationship, as well as the rest of the responsibility of young children finances and juggling that comes with family and work life..
  4. There must be understanding on both sides of Aspergers syndrome and it’s effects on relationships.
  5. Both partners must agree to give each other the benefit of the doubt, when conflict arises. Often pretty challenging as usually the Aspie partner tends to think in a negative way and become defensive.
  6. Do not accept abuse of any kind from your Aspie partner. It is often the default response for the person with aspergers to get defensive and angry when he does not understand or accept what is being said. Just know you do not have to tolerate this behaviour. Learn to set firm boundaries around what you are willing to accept. Stay safe and walk away from abuse. Call for a time out until you both have calmed down.

I hope this article has been useful, and you find some tips that help you to understand and improve the relationship with your Aspie partner.

Gratitude – A Simple Soul Care Solution that will change your life!

Simple Soul Care Solution – Gratitude

Welcome to the first of my video series focusing on Simple Soul Care Solutions to enhance your life.

I believe the first and most important, and simple way to improve your life is to create a ‘Practice of Gratitude.’

How to do this?

In this video I talk about how to get your Gratitude Practice off to a great start, and how to maintain it.

Remember – like anything the secret is to get started…

So take the first step right now.

Sound simple?

It actually is!

The trick is to start off simply and each day remind yourself to do it.

Set yourself up to win! Add a reminder in your phone or on your calendar or computer.

Just do it – Wise and Wonderful Woman!

Always remember…

you are amazing

Julie x

 

Simple Soul Care Rituals to enrich your life

Simple Soul Care Rituals – What are they?

Most of us thrive on simple routines. Think about your morning routine, I bet you would never leave the house without cleaning your teeth or combing your hair? I am also willing to bet that sometimes you don’t even remember doing those things, yet they obviously get done!

Use this idea to your advantage!

Create some Simple Soul Care Rituals that will nurture you and support you – after all, you are important, you are seen and you are visible!

Simple Soul Care Rituals can sustain us when we are feeling out of whack or not quite ourselves.They can become the activities that we do without thinking, and all the while the benefits of doing them can impact hugely on our lives.

By learning to do these Simple Soul Care Rituals as suggested in the video below, you will notice that you FEEL better, FEEL calmer and more present.

I believe it is so important to learn ways to nurture ourselves, to create time to think and process what is for most of us is a hectic, and busy life. Once you have a regular Simple Soul Care Ritual in place you will find that your stress levels will decrease, and you learn to handle stress in a better calmer way.

Life does not need to be a continual lurching from crisis to crisis. Life needs to be filled with joy at the simple things. Learning Simple Soul Care rituals is about giving you and your mind – the space to see and appreciate that simplicity.

Watch the video here:

 

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Sent with love and light

Julie x

 

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Join the

Heal Your Life Louise L Hay Hawkes Bay Meetup Group

Come along and join me in a safe nurturing environment while we share discussion and ideas based on the  philosophies of Louise Hay.

These monthly gatherings will allow you to :

– learn new ways to find more joy and abundance in your life

-learn to love and nurture yourself

-realise how how amazing you are

-release limiting thoughts/beliefs that hold you back

-learn simple ways to relieve stress and feel happier immediately

-understand how your body and mind are connected

-meet others on the same wonderful journey.

What to bring: Journal/notebook, pen, sense of humour, an open mind and heart.

tea and coffee will be provided.

Monthly on the 4th Tuesday of each month.

Follow this link to sign up today.

 

 

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Magic of Meditation Made Easy

Magic of Meditation

For today’s post, I would like to quote the king of meditation himself, Andy Puddicombe- ‘When was the last time you did absolutely nothing?’

No texting, playing with your phone, reading, stitching (for those of us with a stitching obsession…) or even thinking?

For me, learning to meditate has been the single most important change I have made in my life in the last few years. It has helped me to control the depression, and anxiety which has I realise now has been present in varying degrees for many years, as well as create space in my mind to work through the issues which have contributed to the depression in the first place.

Besides that, it has been a great way to ensure my thinking is clear and my mind is open to the new ideas and opportunities in my life. I continues to amaze me how this regular practice has given me a different perspective on things that in the past would have turned me into a tearful, anxious blubbering mess.

How is it that such a simple thing as quietening the mind for 10 minutes+ a day can be so beneficial?  Watch Andy’s TED talk and he can tell you himself.

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I  hear lots of people say that learning to meditate is hard, that it is complicated, all that sitting around navel gazing and being still….

Really at its most basic level, you can meditate by sitting still, staring at a candle, and asking yourself a simple question like “what do I need to do?” and listen for the answer. Your higher self will answer.

Trust me, be still and listen and you will be surprised at what you learn.

If you feel you need a more structured way of meditating, try out the Headspace app available on your phone for Android or IOS.

You can watch the gorgeous Andy, (founder of Headspace ) on his inspiring TED talk. 

 

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There are also lots of wonderful guided meditations on YouTube. I love Louise Hay’s morning and evening meditations.

Try out meditation regularly, and I know you will feel the benefits in your life.

sent with love

Julie x

Shout out for parents of kids on Autism Spectrum going back to school.

Heading Back to school after the long holidays

Today is the start of the new school year for thousands of kids around the country. The long Christmas holidays are over for another year, and Mums and Dads everywhere are breathing again, sometimes in relief, and, sometimes in sadness that the kids are starting a new class, a new school year.

Today I want to send a shout out to all the parents of kids on the autism spectrum. Holiday times and special days can be utterly nightmarish for families with someone on the autism spectrum. Why?? autism spectrum conditions

Because by definition, being on the spectrum usually means you crave routine, structure and usually solitary space, and need to keep all things ‘normal’, where as Christmas, New Year and other special holidays can be completely random with people visiting, lots of noise, excitement and often completely unpredictable situations.

This can cause huge stress, not only for the family member but for the other NT (neurotypical) members of the family.

Often the child or person on the spectrum is unable to articulate what is actually the matter, however it is obvious to the people around them that the anxiety levels are sky high and the energy created when this happens affects everyone.

Meltdowns can often come out of the blue

A huge part of the stress which comes for parents and partners of people on the spectrum, is that the meltdown, or overwhelm often appears to come out of the blue, a few hours or even days after the event. This is part of what makes life so unpredictable for families with someone on the autism spectrum. This is also the exhausting part for so many parents who care for them, as you never know what is round the corner! Some days they will seem to cope, and others they just don’t! Its like there is no rhyme or reason.

With the beginning of a school year, comes more predictability from a parent perspective, though this also comes with its own anxieties.

A life of juggling is very challenging

I well remember the long hot school holidays at this time of the year, weeks of juggling child care, work, no routine and endless ‘meltdowns’. For me, the relief mixed with apprehension and anxiety when the new school year began, was a constant. It was wonderful to think that someone else now would be caring for my child, so that everyone could get back to a routine, and some semblance of normality. The anxiety of sending her to school, with people who cared for her though sometimes really did not understand her complex needs, was very challenging.

All those hours where I had to learn to trust that she was safe and that someone else knew where she was and what she was doing, was for me, hugely stressful. Kind-hearted teachers who told me “she’s fine” yet I remember clearly the time she returned home on her first day with torn clothing and unable to say what had happened. Not exactly an inspiring start at a new school!

Because our ASD kids look so ‘normal’, their behaviour can be baffling to someone who does not understand ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). People often make assumptions based on the behaviour, in order to make sense of what they see the child/ young person doing,  using ‘normal’ child behaviour as a yardstick. Our concerns as parents get minimised…. How often have I heard the phrase ‘Oh don’t worry Mum, she’s ok..You worry too much!!’

autism spectrum
GDJ / Pixabay

You know your kid best!

As a parent you know your child and what their behaviour means. I have learned that it is so important to trust yourself and your intuition, even though you may not be able to explain it to others.

Remember: Learn to trust your heart and trust your intuition. If it doesn’t feel right, follow-up and find out what really is happening for your child.

Hope 2017 is the best yet for you and your special child.

Sent with love

Julie x

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Watch out 2017 here we come!

Life Changing Teachings

Earlier this year I decided move ahead in both my personal and professional development and train as a Heal Your Life Teacher/ Workshop leader, (based on the philosophies of Louise Hay)  in Port Macquarie Australia. While I was excited to do so and to learn the skills required to facilitate and share the timeless message that Louise Hay’s work conveys, I have been most surprised by the change I have felt in myself.heart-w-r

I really have learned to ‘walk the talk’ which in ‘coach speak’ means I have learned to do what I teach others to do…

So for me this is about the life affirming practice of learning to talk to myself in a compassionate and supportive way, instead of the alternative. It is about understanding that every thought I think is creating my future, and most of all, it is about accepting and loving myself right NOW! It does not matter whether it is the ‘right’ time, the time is NOW!

For me, this certainly has been life changing! And it can be for you too!

So what’s different?

I’m noticing more and more how my life is improving, and expanding in a wonderful way. I am meeting new people who are on the same journey, who are happy to share, connect, encourage and support.

The circumstances of our lives can bring us awful stress and overwhelm, as we try to navigate the next steps.

Whether you live with a challenging relationship such as with your asperger partner, whether you have a child with a disability, are in a full-time carer role, or some other stressful ongoing life challenge, how you think about the event or situation has a huge impact on how it affects you in terms of your stress levels.

While I  am not saying that the challenges we all face in our lives ( living with your Asperger partner, dealing with ongoing stressful situations, navigating work/career situations, or other areas) are any easier. What I am saying is that with these wonderful tools that are now available to me, (and by association –  to you !) I am able to minimise the toxic effects of the stress and choose better ways of dealing with what occurs in my life, and I am definitely excited to share this with you!

So what do this all mean for you?

It means that you can learn more about the wonderful healing message that Louise’s work teaches! right here in Hawkes Bay!

I’ve already begun sharing the wonderful message of Louise Hay’s work in self love and self acceptance  at my monthly meetup group meetings based in Hawkes Bay. This has been an exhilarating experience for me, as it is part of my ongoing plan to teach others to access more joy and abundance and success as well as minimise the stress in their lives. If you would like to join this group check it out here

Keep your eyes on this blog as I am planning various workshops throughout 2017, which will allow you to learn better ways to support yourself and find the peace and joy that is your birthright.

So for now ‘Watch this Space’, as I will share details as soon as they are finalised.

 

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