Forgiveness – a gift to yourself

‘How can I forgive when it still hurts so much’?

You know how sometimes it feels so hard to forgive someone who has hurt you, or treated you badly? Or how difficult it is to get over something that you feel has made your life so much harder? You feel so justified in your anger, so self righteous with your pain and anguish, and so upset over whatever the incident is that has caused you so much grief? This can be especially challenging, if you have been hurt repeatedly and this is just another incident that has added to your pain.

Anger and frustration become ‘stuck energy’, and you can’t seem to let them go no matter how hard you try. You find yourself mulling over the incident or the ‘story’ of what happened, and with each telling the pain is worse.

I know how that feels, as I also have felt like that at different times in my life. I know the pain of rejection and the pain of feeling like you will never ever be able to move on from this overwhelming feeling of hurt and upset. You go round and round in circles and end up feeling worse and worse.

What I also know is that long term anger and resentment is destructive if not addressed.

Our emotions are neither good or bad, they are what they are, it is how we deal with them that causes problems.

For example, If you don’t deal with your anger in appropriate ways and keep stuffing it down or away,  it eats away at you from the inside out, and eventually, (speaking from my own experience) comes back to bite you on the backside, often in the form of depression and anxiety or stress related illnesses.

So what is the solution?

The solution sounds simple although it truly can be one of the most difficult lessons we have to learn.

The solution is forgiveness.

  • forgive the person who hurt you,
  • forgive the situation that occurred and continues to cause you pain.
  • forgive yourself

As Louise Hay says in her book ‘You Can Heal Your Life’, ‘forgiveness is about setting yourself free, because, by holding on to resentment and anger we only hurt ourselves. No matter how justified we feel we are to have our resentments and hatreds it still hurts us. We cannot bring good into our worn lives as long as we are sitting in our prisons of self-righteous resentment.

For our spiritual growth we must rise about our need to stay hurt and let go of the past.

Forgiveness is truly a gift to yourself. And miracles happen when we forgive or are willing to forgive.’

Below you can listen to Louise sharing a wonderful meditation that will guide you through an exercise which will help you to release old anger and hurt and move on to forgiveness.

I love this gift from Louise, it truly is powerful and healing meditation, and I hope you will love it as much as I do.

Take the time to listen, and notice how wonderful you feel at the end.

Until next time

Julie x

 

Top 2 lessons for InsideOut Loving

Lessons for InsideOut Loving

Regular readers of this blog will know that last year I completed my ‘Heal your life’ Workshop leader training in beautiful Port Macquarie Australia.

For me, this was a life changing week, filled with fun and laughter, and tons of ‘aha’ moments. It was a chance to learn more about the wonderful life-enhancing lessons of Louise Hay,as well as an amazing opportunity to meet with so many other women who are on the same journey as me.

I feel so privileged to be able to share some of these lessons with you.

Lesson No 1

That week taught me among other things, that I am absolutely ok exactly as I am, I do not need to change anything, I am lovable and worthy of love – full stop.

While this might sound a bit ‘woo woo’ to some people, I think this is a very important lesson for us all to learn.

Until we learn to love and accept ourselves, warts and all, we always feel like we are ‘lacking’ in some way. It can feel like we are always second guessing ourselves, always critical and judgemental of what we do and who we are.

It feels like we can never able to reach that pinnacle of ‘good enough’.

Good enough for what?

The latest fashion trends, the best income? the flashest car? nicest house?? the best behaved children?? These are all outside things which can be transient and ever changing depending on what society dictates.

I learned that it is ok to be me. Boy what a relief that is!

Lesson No 2

I learned that when you let go of negative beliefs about yourself,and the world around you, and let go of self-criticism, and judgement, you also let go of the gnawing ache of never feeling enough.

When you understand yourself, what you love, what brings you joy, what makes you happy, life becomes different in a whole new way.

You learn to draw a line around yourself to protect yourself from draining people and situations.

When you learn to access and trust your own intuition, and listen to your heart,simple joy becomes an integral part of your life every day.

In fact you learn to be your own best friend!

Coming up in August!

A very special event to help you to Be your own Best Friend

 

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InsideOut Loving – Be Your Own Best Friend

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Simple Soul Care Rituals to enrich your life

Simple Soul Care Rituals – What are they?

Most of us thrive on simple routines. Think about your morning routine, I bet you would never leave the house without cleaning your teeth or combing your hair? I am also willing to bet that sometimes you don’t even remember doing those things, yet they obviously get done!

Use this idea to your advantage!

Create some Simple Soul Care Rituals that will nurture you and support you – after all, you are important, you are seen and you are visible!

Simple Soul Care Rituals can sustain us when we are feeling out of whack or not quite ourselves.They can become the activities that we do without thinking, and all the while the benefits of doing them can impact hugely on our lives.

By learning to do these Simple Soul Care Rituals as suggested in the video below, you will notice that you FEEL better, FEEL calmer and more present.

I believe it is so important to learn ways to nurture ourselves, to create time to think and process what is for most of us is a hectic, and busy life. Once you have a regular Simple Soul Care Ritual in place you will find that your stress levels will decrease, and you learn to handle stress in a better calmer way.

Life does not need to be a continual lurching from crisis to crisis. Life needs to be filled with joy at the simple things. Learning Simple Soul Care rituals is about giving you and your mind – the space to see and appreciate that simplicity.

Watch the video here:

 

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Sent with love and light

Julie x

 

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Join the

Heal Your Life Louise L Hay Hawkes Bay Meetup Group

Come along and join me in a safe nurturing environment while we share discussion and ideas based on the  philosophies of Louise Hay.

These monthly gatherings will allow you to :

– learn new ways to find more joy and abundance in your life

-learn to love and nurture yourself

-realise how how amazing you are

-release limiting thoughts/beliefs that hold you back

-learn simple ways to relieve stress and feel happier immediately

-understand how your body and mind are connected

-meet others on the same wonderful journey.

What to bring: Journal/notebook, pen, sense of humour, an open mind and heart.

tea and coffee will be provided.

Monthly on the 4th Tuesday of each month.

Follow this link to sign up today.

 

 

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Magic of Meditation Made Easy

Magic of Meditation

For today’s post, I would like to quote the king of meditation himself, Andy Puddicombe- ‘When was the last time you did absolutely nothing?’

No texting, playing with your phone, reading, stitching (for those of us with a stitching obsession…) or even thinking?

For me, learning to meditate has been the single most important change I have made in my life in the last few years. It has helped me to control the depression, and anxiety which has I realise now has been present in varying degrees for many years, as well as create space in my mind to work through the issues which have contributed to the depression in the first place.

Besides that, it has been a great way to ensure my thinking is clear and my mind is open to the new ideas and opportunities in my life. I continues to amaze me how this regular practice has given me a different perspective on things that in the past would have turned me into a tearful, anxious blubbering mess.

How is it that such a simple thing as quietening the mind for 10 minutes+ a day can be so beneficial?  Watch Andy’s TED talk and he can tell you himself.

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I  hear lots of people say that learning to meditate is hard, that it is complicated, all that sitting around navel gazing and being still….

Really at its most basic level, you can meditate by sitting still, staring at a candle, and asking yourself a simple question like “what do I need to do?” and listen for the answer. Your higher self will answer.

Trust me, be still and listen and you will be surprised at what you learn.

If you feel you need a more structured way of meditating, try out the Headspace app available on your phone for Android or IOS.

You can watch the gorgeous Andy, (founder of Headspace ) on his inspiring TED talk. 

 

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There are also lots of wonderful guided meditations on YouTube. I love Louise Hay’s morning and evening meditations.

Try out meditation regularly, and I know you will feel the benefits in your life.

sent with love

Julie x

Zero empathy sucks!

Zero Empathy sucks!

If you are in a relationship with someone with Aspergers, you will know the pain of zero empathy.

Most experts will agree that Zero Empathy is a feature of Autism Spectrum Conditions, and limited or zero empathy is one of the most difficult aspects of these conditions.

What is Empathy anyway?

The inability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and know how they feel, is a simple description of empathy. People on the autism spectrum often struggle with this, and it can lead to misunderstandings, and often traumatic painful ongoing experiences for the family members on the receiving end of zero empathy.

What does Zero Empathy feel like?

It’s that gut wrenching feeling of disconnect, when you have tried so hard to stay connected, maintain the relationship and you realise there is no connection. Probably never was…

It’s when you offer to share a special moment with your aspie loved one and it falls flat, because they don’t see the significance of your joy in sharing it.

That moment when you need support from your Aspie loved one, and he completely ignores you for the sports news on TV.

It’s that loneliness that seeps into your bones when you finally realise that your aspie partner is wired differently and does not need or want the emotional connection you crave.woman-1008690_1920

Those times you have cried yourself to sleep when yet another unresolved dispute is left hanging and you realise there is just no way to resolve it and you know the next day will be as if it never happened.

These moments are frequent and excruciatingly painful, and often without the expert help of some one who knows AS/NT relationships in depth, can snowball, and leave you feeling crazy and overwhelmed with no way to resolve or redress the problem, as the person with aspergers cannot understand what the problem is.

You begin to question your own judgement and your own reality and think you are actually crazy!

It can be hard to understand what exactly empathy is, and if you have lived without it for so long, you may not be able to recognise it, so I thought it would be helpful to have an expert explain it to us.

Below is a short cartoon, narrated by the gorgeous Dr Brene Brown, on the subject of empathy. 

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Enjoy,

Julie x

Who are you Janice and Sarah?

Who are you Janice and Sarah?

Recently I have made lots of changes to Julie Rowlands Coaching website, including creating two separate areas for the women I love to support – and  to help change lives.

Women with Asperger partners, who struggle with low self esteem, poor self confidence and the ongoing consequences of living in a challenging relationship long term,

AND

Mid life women who struggle to move into the next part of life, after years of child rearing and family life, when the kids have left home, and life is very different.

These two areas can appear quite different on the outside, however the issues are remarkably similar even though the cause is different.

Let me explain…

Meet Janice:

Janice is 52, a trained nurse, married and living at home with her husband. she works part time at the local hospital. Both their kids have left home, and Janice is finding her life has changed so much, she feels dissatisfied and unhappy with her career, she feels exhausted and overwhelmed most of the time. She doesn’t really know what she wants to do, however she absolutely knows she wants to do something different!

Janice feels stuck and sad and lonely, she misses her kids, but she knows they are off starting the journey of their own lives. Janice finds herself dreaming of starting a business of some kind though she doesn’t know what, she goes round and round, thinking dreaming all the while the little voice in her head tells her to get a grip, that she can’t do anything like that, because of course she would fail! ( so says the little voice in her head!)www.julierowlands.com

She constantly battles negative feelings of not feeling good enough, not knowing enough, not doing enough.

Eventually she ‘parks’ the idea and settles for doing what she has always done.

Now let me introduce you to Sarah:

Sarah is also 52, she has been married to her husband Simon, for nearly 25 years. They have 2 children, a son and a daughter, both nearly grown.

Sarah is a trained teacher, and works part time. She has struggled for years with mild depression and anxiety, and has always secretly felt like there is something wrong with her, because although she has tried and tried for years to keep her marriage going, the relationship is still very difficult and hard to understand. Sarah feels invisible and lost, she is at the end of her tether. She feels she cannot continue trying. Her husband Simon is an enigma to her. To others, he is friendly and outgoing, he is chatty and generous, however at home it is a different story.

Sarah’s husband is a controlling, anxious, and angry man at times, with strict rules on how things should be done, and he expects her and the kids to do things his way, unquestioningly, which has led to huge conflict between Sarah and Simon and also with the kids. Sarah has learned that it is best not to aggravate him, as he reacts badly and goes silent and cold for days on end. She feels that he often doesn’t seem to notice her, he is distant and off in his own little world of sports, TV and work. The communication between Sarah and Simon is limited and conversation or emotional connection is non existent.

Sarah runs the home, organizes their social life (which is minimal)  finances and the kids needs.

Somehow, Sarah is unable to find the strength to make the tough decision to leave, or make changes. She loves her husband and worries that he may not cope without her to organise him as he seems unable to do so many everyday activities.

Sarah is feels constantly exhausted and she has decided that once the kids have gone, it will be time to end the marriage.

She feels stuck, she has somehow lost herself and does not know where to turn, she feels lonely,unheard and dismissed. Her self esteem is in tatters, and some days she struggles to get herself to work.

Her friends tell her she is very lucky to have such a ‘nice’ husband, and to be grateful and ‘suck it up’! this makes her feel even more alone as she feels there is no one really who understands…

Quite by chance Sarah meets someone who suggests Simon may have something called Asperger’s syndrome. She did some research, asked Mr Google, and whamo, the light comes on and suddenly it all makes sense!

Similarities between Janice and Sarah?alone

So what are the similarities between Janice and Sarah?

  • They both have overwhelming stress in their lives.
  • They both are beginning to suffer from stress related health issues.
  • They both feel stuck, unable to make any decisions, they worry about what family and friends would say should they make big changes.
  • They both feel very alone.
  • They both have lost themselves after years of caring for others, and don’t have a clue where to start to make changes.
  • They are both bright, compassionate, intelligent women who are unable to get out of their ‘stuckness’, and have settled for a life where they are not able to fulfill their potential.

This is where I can help!

Why? Because I understand personally the problems both these women are dealing with.

I have been there and I have come out the other side so I know how to make the changes that are needed.

I know you need to have support! a bit of hand holding and a bit of guidance.

I know you need to have proven strategies to help and at times, a listening ear to vent to!

I also know it is not easy, however it is possible, and I encourage you to take the first step, if Janice or Sarah sound like YOU!

I can help you rediscover the Who in YOU.

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Lets find the WHO in YOU

How I can help you?

    I will help you to become the

‘Wise and Wonderful Woman’

I know you to be!

My Focus is to help you to be NO 1 in Your life

AND

Reconnect with yourself

Take back your life!

take the step that could change your life.

How long will you wait?

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Lessons learned from personal loss

Hello Wise and Wonderful Woman, here we are in November already!

Pretty soon the year will be finished! Can hardly believe it….

Today I thought it would be really helpful to give you a heads up on some plans I am working on for 2016!

Before I do that I want to share some of the insights I have learned from this year so far!

I remember many years ago hearing Queen Elizabeth, describing her year as ‘Annus Horribilis’, and saying she would not look back on that particular year with ‘undiluted pleasure’.

This past 18 months for me have been my ‘Annus Horribilus’, mainly due to the loss in May last year of my Mum, and the subsequent turmoil and distress which followed.

This event was a catastrophic and completely unexpected event for me personally, which has massively affected my whole life and changed forever how I think about everything in my world.

My Lessons to share:

johnhain / Pixabay
johnhain / Pixabay

I have learned so much since that awful time, and I want to share it with you, in the hope that there may be something that will resonate with you.

  • I have learned to look for any spark of light that can brighten my days, to find pleasure and comfort in the smallest things.
  • I no longer put off doing the things I want to do, I do them.
  • I no longer waste my energy worrying about what others might think of me. What others think of me is not my responsibility.
  • I practice gratitude every day, in a way that feels nurturing and loving for me.
  • I consistently practice self care, my favourite activities are yoga, meditation and mindfulness.
  • I know I MUST look after myself first, as only then can I support others in the way I want to.
  • I tell my family and friends how much they mean to me, often.
  • I believe in myself and possibilities, and so am working on making my dreams come true.
  • I remind myself every day of what is important to me, family, friends and the people I love.
  • And the big one for me – The number one lesson that I think we all should have tattooed on our foreheads??? Just get on with life in the best way you know how, because there are no guarantees, and life can be very short indeed.

Hope life is treating you well my beautiful friends,

Feel free to drop me a comment in the box below

Love and Light

Julie x

 

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How a Fundamental Change in Thinking can Change your NT/AS Relationship

This week’s blog is about learning to be open minded and willing to change your fundamental view of how you see your world.

It is also about learning a lesson from the heart, from your ‘knowing’ rather than learning it from an intellectual or thinking place.

Sometimes when your beliefs about yourself and how things should be done are challenged, it can feel like your whole world is topsy turvy!

In my world I thought I could continue to give give give, and somehow, sometime the giving would make everything ok! eventually! That was my reward! the way to feel ok about me. I thought, isn’t that what other people do?

No, I was wrong! Eventually the ongoing ‘giving’ led to burnout and exhaustion…

What I have learned is that you can talk till the cows come home about self care, nurturing yourself, and looking after you, but when it comes down to the hard stuff, until you learn to be ‘selfish’ about your time, energy and space, and learn to put yourself first in line, it doesn’t mean a thing. Without this learning, you will eventually fall flat on your face, and be no good to anyone, least of all yourself.

It often comes to a crisis and then everyone loses.

When you live with and love someone on the autism spectrum, you often are in a supportive and more  often than not, a carer role. You organize, you arrange, you are the peacemaker, the social interpreter, the go-to person for the family or the relationship. You smooth the waters of troubled family relationships when aspie traits cause havoc. Your life can seem like a roller coaster where you never seem to reach the end of the ride.

No matter what you try to do to change the situation, it feels like very little changes.

You are stuck, emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted, and alone.

The crucial point to understand with Aspie/NT relationships, is that the Aspie partner does not mean to neglect or hurt you, it is just that he does not have the necessary wiring in his brain to understand you and your perspective as well as that ability to interpret what you actually need from him.

You understand his, and can see his point of view as easily as reading a book, however that simply does not work for him. Therefore, whatever way you try to explain the ‘stress’ and ’emotional upsets’ to him, he will not ‘get it’!

Which brings me back to my point of saying that you, and only you are responsible for your own self care and support.

You must fundamentally change your thinking around what so called ‘normal’ relationships are like, and understand that actually, this is not a ‘normal’ relationship.

Learning to understand and accept this important point, is a process, so it takes time, however, imagine how much less stress you would feel once you do get it!

geralt / Pixabay

I am not suggesting you necessarily end the relationship, however you can’t make a fish fly, so don’t expect your Aspie spouse give you what he is unable to give and what you so desperately need.

This is about learning to make the relationship work better for both of you.

You must learn to get what you need outside the relationship AND take the steps to make it happen.

The number one step is to identify what YOU need to feel whole – consider things like: emotional support, conversation, sharing, time alone, time with friends, separate social life….

Make your ‘What I need to feel whole’ list!

  • Think about who you were before you met your partner.
  • What have you stopped doing?
  • What sort of activities do you love, that bring you joy?
  • What is it you just cannot live without?
  • What activities sustain you and support you.
  • What are some new habits you could develop that will support you as you move toward accepting your new view of your aspie partner?

Take back your power and take action to change your thinking, and you will begin the journey of your life!

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